Session 5–Give forgiveness freely
Start with the Lord’s Prayer
Give forgiveness freely is the fourth step in letting go of a grudge.
Forgiveness is a gift. The person who hurt us doesn’t deserve forgiveness. That’s why it’s a gift.
We decide to forgive.
Forgiveness is decision. You can’t control what other person has done, but you can renounce revenge and release the person from any emotional debt. We can determine our reaction to the wrong.
Making the decision to forgive is the first step.
Living into the decision is the second step.
Making the decision is a gigantic step.
For most people the decision is a giant step,and then there’s a long walk ahead before you get to emotional forgiveness, because we have to work through our negative feelings, our anger, grief, betrayal—whatever the oppressive feeling is, we have to go through it to get to the other side.
We have to be aware of our feelings, name them, talk about them and give them over to God.
Our mind can hide hurtful feelings to protect us. Even though we disengage from the hurtful feeling and we bury it, we have to know it’s still there, and after we’re aware of it we have to get rid of it.
Talk it to death—don’t just talk to anyone, make sure the person we tell is someone we can trust.
We may have internalized the feeling that we deserve the bad thing or things that have happened to us. Talking to someone can help us to look at deeply, revisit and name the feelings that are still stuck inside us.
Negative feelings upfront expressing negative thoughts may come out—but acknowledging these feelings does not mean to act on them. Instead, we,givie the negative thoughts and feelings over to God leaving everything in God’s hands. God may have a more expansive view and will act in way that is helpful to all, so we don’t get blood on our hands. People who give their anger to God and then exact violence have sinned doubly.
Forgiveness helps us to free ourselves from chronic, negative feelings and to be free of hatred.
We can be free of hatred
Emotional forgiveness takes time, right action, patience and grace.
We act our way into right feeling. We take actions that signal right feeling. We act like we have forgiven the person, and when we have negative thoughts, we move those thoughts aside, we pray for them. We don’t’ take revenge, but instead we exercise our patience. We all know that saying, God give me patience right now! We have to be patiently persistent.
We may want to kill the person who has sinned against us seven times a day, but we also act, trusting in grace, and ask God for the willingness to forgive. But forgiveness often takes a while, forgiveness often takes persistence—that’s why we need to ask God for help.
Signs of emotional forgiveness—positive feelings, we drain poison from our brains, we don’t want revenge, we feel positively, more positive feelings about the other person.
Maybe even love for the other person
Desiderio tells about an elementary school teacher who had the students in her class practice forgiveness.
If a child in the class does something to upset or hurt another classmate, that child has to ask forgiveness. The other child has to give forgiveness, but not right away—if the child isn’t ready to offer forgiveness.
The conversation goes like this.
Please forgive me for….
The offended says I forgive you for
Or the offended child could say No, I’m still mad at you, come back tomorrow and ask again.
The other child has to keep asking until they were forgiven.
The longer the apology was dragged out, the more the offender suffered.
They child who was hurt didn’t offer forgiveness until other person felt sorry.
By practicing forgiveness in the classroom, these children were learning how to honor the process of forgiveness and the value of forgiveness.
Decisional forgiveness/emotional forgiveness
Conditional forgiveness and unconditional forgiveness
In conditional forgiveness, some condition must be met before the offended person can grant forgiveness, maybe an apology, remorse, expression of regret, compensation, the sort of forgiveness that involves justice
Unconditional forgiveness—places no preconditions on forgiveness, this is what Jesus offers form the cross
Give is an active verb, we have to do something, take some action
Ask for help the grace to forgive
We are able to offer forgiveness because we have been given forgiveness.
God forgives through us,
Forgiveness is a miracle and we need God’s grace.
It’s important to be gracious and not demean the other person in the interchange.
Dignity remains intact for both people
Sometimes we need help from other people to help us give unconditional forgiveness.
Talk to lawyer, abuse, –you don’t’ want to be reinjured, ask someone who has been down this particular forgiveness road before you.
If other person has not offered any sign of peace, you don’t have to reach out to them, they may throw it back in your face, or person might be dead, so you have to have the conversation in your heart, write a letter, burn it as an offering as a deceased, these acts help you come to resolution.
Forgiveness is a way of life. We have to commit to being forgiving people. As you experience the burden of unforgiveness, commit to forgiveness.
Exercise
Read over a scripture passage that is meaningful to you as a reminder to be a forgiving person.
L 23:34, Eph 4:31-32, John 20:21
Commit to God that you will follow mandate to forgive
You can say a forgiveness prayer until it becomes second nature to you
Go public with your forgiveness put in writing, take some action,
Act our way into right thinking.
Stand and take off our hats and put hands over our hearts, just doing the action helps us feel patriotic.
We are serious about forgiveness when we take action.
Write out a declaration for forgiveness
On______________ I _______________ forgive _______________
for ________________________________________________.
Whenever I see_____________ I will remember that I have already forgiven him.
Emotionally, I forgive him_____________%. I pledge to continue to let go of negative feelings and focus on positive feelings. Signed______________
This declaration is an example of decisional forgiveness.
Put it where you will see it again. Reminder that you have already done it!
The other person doesn’t deserve it.
We make the decision.
We renounce resentment, release person from emotional or physical debt.
Look at negative feelings, acknowledge, let go, this puts us on the threshold of emotional forgiveness.
Talk about decisions with God and talk to someone we trust. Ask for God’s help, let God help us in prayer
Talk to someone about our decision to forgive.
We act our way into right feeling.
When negative thought comes, we move it aside, we pray for them.
Conditional and unconditional forgiveness.
Once condition is met, once justice has occurred, you forgive
Unconditional—offender doesn’t do anything to earn forgiveness—we have to pray every day, develop a spirituality of forgiveness
One day at a time, keep forgiveness strong.
Have you ever heard the saying that no one ever forgets where they bury the hatchet?
We have a way of holding on to our grudges.
Radical Forgiveness There is no past tense for forgiveness, it’s a daily decision We have to be able to renew our decision to forgive because we never know when the searing pain of loss will resurface
Most of transgressions we encounter are less tragic situations
Work toward what is best for all concerned, we want to do God’s will
When we have leftt over resentment, forgiveness helps us bridge the justice gap.
Once we have made decision to forgive, old feelings of regret can pop up any time.
Forgiveness is a way of life, forgiveness is path to help us grow into fullness of being God’s beloved. As we persevere, our practice deepens.
We recognize our own dark selves, and we learn to live in light, find serenity and deep joy that is God’s desire for each of us.
It may ever go away, tragic death, betrayal of someone,
The first four steps (Look closely at what went wrong, empathy is the key, tell the story differently, Give forgiveness freely) get us to a place where we can act like hurt has healed, even if it isn’t.
We’re on a mission to reconstruct our lives, so that we have freedom.
Every day
We remember who we are—a child of God.
Remember you are a child of God dedicated to spiritual discipline of forgiveness
Forgiving ourselves for being human, fallible, inconsistent we deserve to be treated with respect and we owe others respect
Banishing the demon of desire for revenge
Thoughts of harming other person may keep coming back—we have to renounce these pesky desires to turn the thoughts into a blessing
Treat the other person like a person. Treat that person with same respect you did prior to the offense. Not an internal feeling, it is an external action.
Our relationships are based on actions, not just intentions.
It’s good to pray for other person’s well being, but other person will know by your behavior.
Stay out of bad neighborhoods in our minds–the places we shouldn’t’ go into by ourselves.
Vengeance is one of these neighborhoods.
The forgetting part comes in here—once you’ve gotten to a place of healing, don’t go back into old neighborhood of hurt.
The theological virtue that springs from forgiveness is hope—giving someone a chance to start again, a revitalized relationship with someone, when we feel hope, looking into future with a smile.
The Cross leads to an empty tomb.
We can renew our hope daily.
We can do positive things –to be quick to forgive in daily situations instead of being impatient with person ahead of you, try to figure out what is going on with them, rather than try and push past them, step into their shoes
Envision a new life– we have to envision a NEW way of life
Think and pray about what that change will look like for you.
Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.
Make a list of faults stuff you don’t like about yourself stuff that gets you into trouble
In second column make a list of the positive characteristics that are the opposite
Impatience, patience
Insensitive to other people’s feelings, kind
Now write a description of yourself that uses adjectives from column 2 to help you envision who you want to become, carry this description in your wallet, read it prayerfully and often.
Move past your past—What would it take to make me feel whole and happy?
Write the five steps of let go and keep it in your pocket, or post on bathroom mirror, etc.
Where you can see the five steps
Keep the steps of forgiveness if front of you daily.
Developing a spirituality of forgiveness, deeper relationship with God, we encounter God in our wounds and when we open that wound to God, we experience God’s healing
L Invitation to look at the problem deeply, see from God’s perspective
E How do you understand the person who hurt you?
T Tell the story, put down the shovel and get a ladder, tell the story differently Instead of so and so hurt me, we become hero when story ends with forgiveness. Reframe the story to move beyond hurt
G Give forgiveness freely. It’s a gift we receive and a gift we pass along as participation in divine life—renounce revenge thoughts we acknowledge negative feelings and decide we’ll let go.
It may take a lot of time to move from decisional to emotional forgiveness, then we act like we have forgiven the person, we don’t take actions of revenge
Conditional forgiveness, person does something to earn forgiveness
Unforgiveness harder, the offender doesn’t do anything to earn forgiveness, Jesus on the cross
O One day at a time, take forgiveness a day at at a time,
Hard work, grace of God, we have to keep ourselves in good spiritual shape, pray every day and develop a spirituality for forgiveness.
The art of reconciliation
Something natural– even animals make up, but it is also an art.
Artfully apply reconciliation in each situation to reweave torn fabric.
We are able to change our hearts, because God has reconciled w/ us through Jesus Christ, starts w’ conversion of the heart. Romans 5. We have been reconciled w/ God through sacrificial love of Jesus Christ.
And we continue to be reconciled with God.
We do the work of God when we bring to union what has been divided, we are being peacemakers, Vertical and horizontal. Reconciled to God, reconciled to one another.
Jesus provides avenue of atonement we are part of history of alienation, we make personal choices at odds w/ goodness of God,
Horizontal reconciliation between human beings
Power of God is available to us to name the injustice and move beyond hurt
When both parties recognize their parts, then reconciliation becomes possible
Human beings live in community, we have to cooperate, sometimes this is hard to do
We may not know how to cooperate in certain situations
Pride and envy rub against each other—aren’t willing to meet halfway, different interests
We may to decide to agree to disagree, more benefits in being in relationship, so toleration of differences, as long as we are willing to behave so as not to offend.
Reconciliation is a two way street, traveling to meet each other/
Forgiveness is a one way street, we do it to let go of the harm that is poisoning our spirit
We forgive for ourselves and our peace of mind
There has to be some remorse for the hurt, mutual agreement to live in peace
Apologies — keep it simple. Don’t offer excuses. “I’m sorry for what I did, I know that it hurt you.”
You know how your behavior affected them. You understand the consequences in their lives.
Do we want to reconcile even if the person asks for forgiveness?
Nothing is unforgiveable, but there are things that are irreconcilable.
We have to ask==do we want to open ourselves up to be hurt again? You can’t reconcile if the bullets are still flying.
Reasons to be reconciled.
To live at peace with yourself and others.
You are adding glue to your social network, building up the body of Christ Jesus brought world at one with God, inner connection with humans and God
Live in harmony that God intends.
Reasons not to be reconciled.
If there is no change of heart,
If violence is still going on
If people aren’t working on rebuilding mutual trust
Don’t cover up ongoing injustice, if there’s no change, it just does more damage.
Sometimes bad chemistry between two people. Not an issue of right and wrong, or one is bad, why relationship doesn’t work hasn’t been done, detachment from the person is the best option, physical detachment, emotional detachment, you don’t react when buttons are pushed.
Rituals help achieve reconciliation
Person who has died, you can go to grave, read a letter
Truth and reconciliation committees
Admit wrongs and face victims.
The Secret life of Bees The Boatwright sisters. May leaves notes in a stone wall.
Writing a note and leaving it for God
When we make an internal feeling real by using a ritual to deal with it.
Reconciliation is compassion in action.
Reconciliation –we pray for the other person, in our speech we don’t condemn, we don’t avoid (unless they’re dangerous) We can do this because we have been made new in Christ
New things have come, all this if from God who has reconciled himself to Christ 2 Corinthians
We are God’s ambassadors of reconciliation
When you’ve done harm in a general way, when you have sinned, you can contain your apology in Sacrament of Reconciliation
Sins you have done against God and God’s creatures.
Sacrament of Reconciliation
A way to reconcile with God and with human beings
Examination of conscience, regret, remorse, recognition of something wrong, (Look deeply at what went wrong)
Repentance, decide to change behavior
Apology and a request for forgiveness Confession and contrition, offer to make amends for hurts
Restitution Catholics do some penance, sorrow from sins involves action we have to say sorry with more than our mouth
Changing behavior, rehabilitation– we admit we’ve done wrong, we’re sorry, ask for God’s help, Absolution.
Our relationship with God is rehabilitated, brought back into union.
Reconciliation—the person is told to go in peace, they’ve been freed from sin, reconciled with God. You can go in peace, even if there is no reconciliation, because you have taken responsibility for your actions.
The five steps can be used in reconciliation with others. The forgiveness prayer also helps.
Ask yourself—why did you let them have power over you? Instead of thinking of their transgression against you, think of the lessons you have learned.