When we are willing to let down our defenses and look honestly at our actions, we find there is a great freedom in asking for forgiveness and great strength in admitting the wrong. It is how we free ourselves from our past errors. It is how we are able to move forward into our future, unfettered by the mistakes we have made
When I harm another, whether intentionally or not, I inevitably harm myself. I become less than I am meant to be. I become less than I am capable of being. When I harm another, I need to restore what I have taken from that per¬son. Or make a gesture of recompense. I need to restore what I have lost within myself through my harmful words or actions.
To recover what has been lost requires that we take an honest look at ourselves and confront our past mistakes. It requires that we admit what we have done and take responsibility for our actions. It requires a genuine remorse, which comes from understanding how our wrongs have affected others. It requires that we look into our own souls and realize that a person who hurts another is not the person we wish to be. It requires that we be willing to make amends and to do whatever is required to repair the relationship, even if this means never seeing the other person again. We must be will¬ing to respect our own progress along the Fourfold Path. We must be willing to respect that the one whose forgiveness we seek must make his or her own journey along the Fourfold Path. We cannot dictate that person’s pace or progress.
Steps
1 Admit the wrong.
The person who grants forgiveness receives a gift. The person who asks forgiveness receives the healing gift of an honest reckoning. When we seek forgiveness, we hope that our humble admission will help the person we have harmed. We hope that our contrition will heal the relationship we have impaired, so we set out bravely.
Admitting the wrong is how we begin to take responsibility for hurting another human being
In admitting what we have done, we must do so without any expectations about the response we may get
We also must be willing to answer any and all questions the victim has about what we’ve done. We may be asked to clarify events, dates, times, and other factual matters. Or we may be asked to explain why we did what we did. We must be careful not to self-justify or excuse our actions in any way. “I was thoughtless and selfish” is a far different answer than “I was angry and not in my right mind
There can be no reconciliation without responsibility.
Do you engage in the Fourfold Path even if you haven’t done anything and the other person is still angry with you for an imagined slight or wrongdoing? Ubuntu answers yes and enjoins us to try to understand that person’s pain. Ubuntu invites us to see from the other persons perspective. What If the Victim Doesn’t Know?
Revealing an unknown betrayal may cause a deeper injury to the victim than that person’s ignorance of your deed. If this is the case, then you can tell your story to a trusted counselor or confessor What If I Am Afraid of the Consequences? It is understandable that you may be afraid of what might happen when you admit your wrongs. There may be a price to pay. That price will be far cheaper than the personal cost of keeping silent. The weight of guilt can be staggering and the burden of shame unbearable. If there are legal consequences to consider, you may wish to consult counsel before admitting the wrong. You may also want to bring a trusted third party along to support both you and your victim. This can be a family member, a friend, or a professional. The important thing to remember is that there can be no genuine forgiveness, and therefore no genuine healing, without genuine truth. It is what sets us all free.
2 Witness the anguish and apologize.
When we witness the anguish we have caused another, we help that person heal, and we help the relationship heal. Victims need to tell their stories. Victims need to express how much they have been hurt. And as perpetrators, we need to be fearless enough to stand in front of those we have hurt and open our hearts to make space for their pain. We had a part in creating it, and we have a part in healing it.
How Do I Witness the Anguish?
Victims need to feel they are being heard and affirmed. The best way to do this is to not argue the facts of their stories or the ways’ they are hurting
• Do not argue.
• Do not cross-examine.
• Listen and acknowledge the harm you have caused.
You need to be open and have a genuine desire to heal the harm you have caused. If your victim has questions, answer them honestly and thoroughly. Speak from your heart. If that person asks how you could have done what you did, tell the truth. Be careful not to excuse or justify your actions.
We are all so very interconnected that when we hurt one person, the pain often ripples far deeper and wider
• Do not justify your actions or your motivations.
• Answer all questions honestly and thoroughly
How Do I Apologize?
When you apologize, you are restoring the dignity that you have violated in the person you have hurt. You are also acknowledging that the offense has happened. You are tak¬ing responsibility for your part in causing harm
A hollow or insincere apology can only compound the initial damage done. An apology offered as a way to get out of trouble or to placate an upset person is no apology at all. When you apologize, do it from the heart. If you do not feel it, do not say it. It is only when we recognize the suffering of the other person, and the true harm we have caused, that our apologies will be genuine. If we are truly remorseful, our apologies will come wholeheartedly, not reluctantly. When we acknowledge and admit our wrongs, freely and willingly face the pain we have caused, and truly feel remorse for our behavior, our apologies will leave us feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders.
3 Ask for forgiveness.
It is not selfish to ask for forgiveness, and in truth it is the high¬est form of accountability. By asking for forgiveness, we are committing ourselves to the possibility of change. We are signing up for the hard work of transformation
We ask for forgive-ness because none of us can live in the past. The victim cannot live in the past. The perpetrator cannot live in the past. When we ask for forgiveness, we ask for permission to begin again. When we ask for forgive¬ness, we ask to no longer be held hostage by the past. When we ask for forgiveness, we are in the middle of a profound process that sets both victim and perpetrator free. There is no asking for forgiveness without admitting the wrong and witnessing the anguish.
Asking for forgiveness from your victims is another way of acknowledging your responsibility and your sincere wish to repair what you have broken. There is no guarantee you will be forgiven, and there is no guarantee that a relationship will be restored.
How do I ask for forgiveness
Asking for forgiveness is so much more than saying the words “Will you forgive me?” When we ask for forgiveness, we express our remorse and offer an apology. We acknowledge the harm and explain why and how we will not hurt the vic¬tim again. When we genuinely seek forgiveness, we will do whatever it takes to make things right—we will be willing not only to ask the victim if they will grant us forgiveness but also to offer whatever form of restitution they require in
What If They Will Not Forgive?
There is no assurance that when you ask for forgiveness it will be granted, but you ask anyway. Your victim’s process and path to forgiving may be operating on a different timeline than your own. If forgiveness is refused, do not press your victim or respond with anything other than humility and understanding. Let them know that you are there to assist them in whatever way needed, that you respect their deci¬sion, and then show by your actions that you have changed
The fact that you will not be forgiven in the way you wish does not have to prevent your own growth and healing. None of us can continue to bear the burden of a wrong for which we are truly penitent and contrite. If you have honestly tried and failed in your request for forgiveness, then you have fulfilled your part. This does not mean there are not reparations to make. We must always try to give back what we have taken from some¬one else, whether it is tangible or intangible. We must always seek to make amends.
4 Make amends or whatever restitution or reparation is called for or needed.
A big part of asking for forgiveness is making amends, and what this consists of depends in part on what the victim needs from you in order to forgive. It can be a tangible return of what was lost, such as paying back money that was stolen or returning property that was taken The amends needed may be of a more symbolic nature. For example, if there has been abuse or infidelity, your spouse or partner may need you to agree to go to counseling
In general, a victim needs to know and be reassured that the offense wont happen again.
The amends process cannot be skipped or glossed over. If you are engaging in the Fourfold Path without being able to directly ask for forgiveness or ask the one you have hurt what they need to be made whole, you can still make indirect amends to your victim, as we saw Lisa Cotter do with Mandie and Carrie, the two girls killed in the car accident for which she was responsible. If you have stolen money, you can donate an equivalent amount to a charity in the name of the person from whom you stole. You can send that amount anonymously to the victim or the victim’s family. If you have caused harm in your community, you can volunteer to work in your commu¬nity as a form of reparation.
5 Honor your victim’s choice to renew or release the relationship.
Often our relationships can grow stronger through the process of admitting a wrong and asking for forgiveness. When we are forgiven, we can begin anew and learn from the mistakes of the past. It is important to note that renewing is not forgetting. When we are forgiven, we move forward into a new relationship, but we cannot expect the people we have hurt to forget that hurt. We do not ask our victims to forget but rather to recognize the humanity we share and our willingness to change. It is our hope that after an hon¬est practice of the Fourfold process of forgiving, both parties will move forward and create a new story together. It is not always possible, but it is always worth striving toward. We seek restoration and renewal, and if that is not pos¬sible, we release the relationship
If the person you have harmed chooses not to have a relation¬ship with you, this is that persons choice. With grace and in full knowledge, you have done all you can to make it right. You must honor that person’s decision to release you and the relationship. Releasing means moving into a future free of the past.