We become imprisoned in the past when we do not forgive ourselves for past mistakes.
The reasons for forgiving ourselves are the same as for forgiving others. It is how we become free of the past. It is how we heal and grow. It is how we make meaning out of our suffering, restore our self-esteem, and tell a new story of who we are. If forgiving others leads to an external peace, forgiving ourselves leads to an internal peace
When we forgive someone, we let go of any demand that he or she should suffer as we have suffered. As we have shown, this cycle of retribution and revenge never offers the release from pain we seek. It only serves to compound the anguish. When we forgive ourselves, we also free ourselves from a cycle of punishment and retribution directed at ourselves
Self-Forgiveness Is Not a Free Pass
Forgiving myself does not let me off the hook for what I’ve done. I still must walk the Fourfold Path and seek to right my wrongs with my victim
In order to truly forgive oneself, one must either explicitly or implicitly acknowledge that one’s behavior was wrong and accept responsibility or blame for such behavior
People who genuinely seek to forgive themselves are people who want to change. They don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. To want genuine self- forgiveness you must be a person of conscience. If you feel guilt, shame, regret, or remorse for something you have done, this is the place to begin
Why Should I Forgive Myself and Why Is It So Difficult?
Lack of self-forgiveness can affect every area of our lives— our health, careers, relationships, parenting, and our general happiness and well-being. When we are unforgiving of ourselves, we experience the same harmful emotional and physical effects as when we are unforgiving of others. Holding on to self-blame keeps us stuck in a prison of the past and limits the potential that lies within the present moment. We can so easily make ourselves victims of our own thoughts and feelings of guilt and shame for what we have done
Guilt helps us stay connected with others. Shame also plays its evolutionary role in keeping us in relationship to the group. “Have you no shame” is what we say to people who have no sense of how their actions harm others. But shame can be toxic. Toxic shame drives us out of connection and community and makes us believe we do not belong. It makes us think we do not deserve to be in relationships.
No one is bad, and none among us should be defined as the sum total of our worst actions. Kelly Connor is not a killer; she is a person whose actions killed another person. None of us is an offender, liar, betrayer, or monster. We are all fragile and flawed humans who may lie or steal or betray. We are fragile and flawed humans who commit offenses against others. When we do these things, we are not monsters; we are human beings who have become separated from our own goodness.
We are not defined by what we have done. We have all been so conditioned to believe that we are held in high esteem because of the things we do, not because of who we are. In truth, our worth has nothing to do with performance, but this belief can make it very difficult to forgive ourselves when we do wrong. None of us is constantly our best self. None of us is perfect.
We all have to accept the past in order to create a new future. If we could have done things better, we would have.
What Self-Forgiveness Is and Is Not
Forgiving yourself is not a way to excuse what you have done or gloss over the harm you have caused others. It is not forgetting about your actions. In fact, it is an honest remembering of what you have done and how you have hurt others. Self-forgiveness is not a loophole to avoid admitting wrongs or making restitution. Self-forgiveness is true self-acceptance. What that means is that you come to accept yourself as a flawed human being.
What Does Self-Forgiveness Require?
First and foremost, self-forgiveness requires absolute truth. We need truth before we can reconcile with others, and we need truth before we can reconcile with ourselves. If you haven’t admitted your wrongs and asked for forgiveness, then do so now
We forgive for ourselves, not for others.
Self-forgiveness also requires humility and hard work. It requires a sincere desire not to repeat the behavior and a sincere desire to change.
We can reduce our self-description to consist of only our worst actions. When we forgive ourselves, we let go of that identity
How Do I Forgive Myself?
When we recognize we are suffering because of our lack of self-forgiveness, we have taken the first step along the path of forgiving ourselves. We must then choose to do the work required in self-forgiving. Identifying our feelings and embracing them will help us choose the way to either live with or transform them.
Guilt
Guilt is a word associated with doing— we feel guilty when we do something wrong or when we hurt someone we care about. Guilt helps us stay on track, because it’s about our behavior.
Guilt is derived from the German word gelt, which means recompense or a repayment of a debt. If we are unable to forgive ourselves because we feel guilt, then the solution is to look at whom we need to recompense for our actions
If you have not sought forgiveness from your victim, do so. Forgiving yourself will be easier after you have sought forgiveness from your victim
Shame
Shame is a bit trickier to identify than guilt. Unlike guilt, shame is a feeling associated with being rather than doing. Shame is often a hidden emotion and it can be paralyzing in its power.
The biggest barrier to self-forgiveness can be these feelings of shame. Shame makes us small and makes us want to hide, because we believe we are not worthy of belonging in the community or the world
The process of self-forgiveness and lessening shame involves reaching out to a group of like-minded or accepting people and sharing your identity and experiences. This will strengthen your sense of self-worth and value.
When you share your experiences with others, you create new meaning out of a painful past
Because we feel shame, we can be compassionate with the shame felt by others. Because we feel compassionate toward others, we then can feel compassion for ourselves
We can transform our guilt and our shame by using our past to be of benefit to others. When we place ourselves and our stories in the service of others, we can more easily forgive ourselves for our failings
By speaking their shame, they have been able to create new stories of themselves. They are no longer completely defined by their worst deeds. They have stepped into the frightening potential of being their best selves.
Each of us can find a way to transform a painful past into a hopeful future. We can develop compassion for others and compassion for ourselves. We can tell a new story of ourselves. The new story admits that “yes, I have caused pain and suffering.” The new story also recognizes that “the harm I have caused in the past is not who I am today.” Self-forgiveness is truly at the core of peacemaking, and we cannot build peace with others if we are not at peace with ourselves.